26 August 2008
Well, he's here. The Assistant Manager at the home rang about 4.15 and we have just been to visit him. They have looked after him beautifully, say he is fine and making friends and thankfully, he recognised us immediately.

He is painfully thin, very confused and a little bit argumentative but he is only 4 miles away so we can cope with all that. The Manager said it takes about six weeks or so for residents to settle down so the next few weeks may be a bit bumpy but he seems to have all he needs - whether or not it is what he wants is another thing!

I cannot believe quite how this situation has become so much in the forefront of my life and really must do some serious concentration on other aspects; choirs are suspended in the summer so once September comes then life will swiftly return to normal. Tonight it was rather like leaving a small child at nursery school - I am sure that once we were off the scene he would have forgotten all his grievances and would be caught up in the novelty of the situation. 

This morning I had a fitful dream of his arrival and our first encounter with him which turned out to be nothing like what actually happened but was still a strong reminder to me that this needs to be kept in perspective as his welfare is paramount.  Left to himself he would once more self-neglect and I could not bear that.

31 August 2008
The lunch yesterday did not really go very well. Fil was very quiet and subdued and although had obviously looked forward to it by getting ready far too early, he was full of complaints and seriously out of practice at walking. At the hospital they gave him a zimmer with two wheels on the front which he doesn't use properly but up until a fortnight ago he was apparently using a walking stick with no problems - it is as though he has given up trying.

Oh dear, that sounds awful but he is an old soldier and normally full of fight (and opinions!) but he looked quite dopey and seemed to be in some discomfort from his arthritis in his back. He managed to eat a steak and chips and as he only weighs around 5/6 stone he really needs to put back some bulk as the suit he wore for the funeral only five months ago is simply falling off him.

I am sure that after a month in an over-heated hospital with all sorts of things being done to him that it is not surprising that he is weak but it was his lack of spirit that bothered both of us. The lovely carers say that he is settling in well and it was all probably a bit overwhelming for him as he has a lot to come to terms with.

He did say that all the other residents were gaga and one could not have a sensible conversation with any of them. That gave us a chuckle at least!

12 September 2008
Well, the lunch with Fil on Sunday was less than a success as the place we had chosen was not particularly user-friendly and the menu was bizarre to say the least.  Fil was not in a happy mood and suffice it to say that the meal was endured rather than enjoyed.

After that the week has been eventful. As well as FM I have now managed to get a bout of sciatica and I am not amused. There is always an upside however, and this is it.

OH has had a need to go to the home of his childhood and retrieve - ? - but it was very important to him. So at 6am on Thursday we journeyed south, arriving at the house in Kent at about 12 noon. It was not as bad as I had feared as I had some concerns as to the state of the place, so we went out for a reviving lunch and returned to clear out stuff which he wanted, needed and thought might be useful. Around 5.30 pm we retired to the Travelodge we have used regularly over the last few years (basic but convenient) and took ourselves out for an Indian meal at a restaurant within walking - or in my case hobbling - distance of the hotel and had a beautiful meal with a lot of chat.

My Mil had a lovely cane of black metal which I am now proudly using and it has really helped. I am ashamed to say that I have resisted any aid to walking as I am, of course, far too young to need that sort of thing but the relief is immense. I can now walk much more quickly than I could before and I am a bit disconcerted that this could be the case - could some of my judgements be a bit astray?

We are now safely home to a Robinson who is not best pleased with us (my wonderful neighbour looks after him so well) and a feeling of relief that we will never again have to endure that awful journey down the M25. OH grew up in that house so it was quite a painful experience but he has pretty much come to terms with it and we are now ready to move on. I can only hope that the lunch we are planning for Sunday will go with a better swing than last week.

17 September 2008
And now my bank has decided to decline several credit card transactions - on no authority whatsoever and without any reference to me despite having phone, mobile, e-mail and secure messaging via their website - and when I have enquired why this should be so I have had very unsatisfactory answers. Why couldn't they look back at the account transactions, I asked. Well, they cannot look at all of them, was the reply. I said that three of these transactions were happily paid on my August statement and at least one of them was to Credit Expert so that I can monitor that no-one is misusing my credit card!  At least two of the transactions have been going on for two years without any questions and to decline five transactions and not even bother to get in touch with me is totally unacceptable.

I could not believe it. I was there in Argos trying to buy a shopping trolley (yes, I am now officially an old dear) and was embarrassed to be kept waiting whilst "security" questions were dealt with for nearly half an hour; I had sufficient cash on me to pay but that was not "the procedure".

I am so cross and have made my feelings abundantly clear. The helpful telephone operator did tell me that a transaction for £30 (of which I have no knowledge) has been authorised on the third attempt but unfortunately, she could not tell me the name of the company so I will have to wait until it shows on the account and then banks wonder why people are cross with them.

She is going to put an "anti-block" on the account which should sort it out. Oh I do hope so particularly as no-one asked me in the first place!

27 September 2008
well we are now  back from a few lovely days in Norfolk staying at King's Lynn and surrounds and it was really good. Weather was lovely and villages, coast and buildings are beautiful and as good as my memory of them!  It is clean, cared for and minus litter and the only drawback is the awful A roads which you have to use to get there and the hair-raising driving which puts years on you.

Unfortunately, Fil rang us twice during our little holiday and that upset OH who is having difficulty in coming to terms with the fact that his father is no longer the person he was; the people at the care home are just lovely but I think Fil gets a bit belligerent and although they are used to dealing with this I don't think OH is and that upsets him.

10 October 2008
I have had  couple of poorly days and tried to be caring to myself and hope that next week will have less aching!

The asthma nurse was pleased with my progress but other things are falling apart so I have  to have more blood tests including a fasting early morning one next Friday and one in a month following a month of no alcohol. That won't really bother me except when we take Fil our for lunch when a glass of wine always improves matters although the last lunch was much better.

The trunk road which runs through the village was flooded on at least two occasions in the last week and as we are in the hills that is very worrying.  It was possibly just that the drains could not cope but now that Cheshire County Council has lost over eight million pounds in Iceland that may not be an isolated incident.

17 October 2008

I went for a blood test this morning at some unearthly hour as I had to fast for 12 hours before it and waiting patiently outside the surgery was a black labrador flecked with a bit of grey, who responded to me with a small smile.When I came out he was still there so I spoke to him and he rolled over so that I could tickle his tummy. I felt quite emotional as I cannot physically cope with dogs anymore and that lovely, brown-eyed, soulful look reminded me so much of the naughty black labrador we had when Ranger was growing up who would eat anything, including his companion bearded collie's collar and brass bell! Happy times.Fil has apparently had a morning in bed and is now up and about but even more confused than he was so we will not take him out on Sunday as they feel that would be too much for him. The point about vascular dementia has been made, accepted and taken on board by them so I hope that will be that.

23 August 2008
OH and I were on our way out shopping this morning and I felt most strange - I should have had a nagging worry about something but just for then, I didn't and it was seriously weird. I think that I had got to a pitch of worry which built gradually and now I feel let down! Silly isn't it.

I had a most productive afternoon in the garden as the rain did not begin until about 6.30 so I was able to attack all the overgrown shrubs and dig up the ferns which have sprouted all over the place and for which I have an unreasonable dislike. In the process I re-discovered plants which were lurking including a beautiful variegated sedum which is about to flower and which was buried underneath a huge fern.

Bath, dinner and a glass of wine - what more can an old girl ask?

20 August 2008
A cautious optimism as the new care home has rung to say they will accept Fil (without their usual assessment as the distance makes that impossible) on very much a trial basis for about six weeks which is understandable and at least he will be 4 miles away not 224!  Then if, sadly, the home did not prove sufficient for his requirements then at least we would be in a better position to move him.

Wheels are in motion and although I think the hospital would like to trot him out tomorrow, very sensibly the care home Manager wants to read the medical reports which have to be sent by post and brief her staff before his arrival; also this is a Bank Holiday weekend so arranging doctor, medication etc., would be difficult at two days' notice so it looks likely that it will be next Tuesday at the earliest but at least things are moving. Well, that is how it seems just at the moment but I am not raising my hopes too high.

It is extraordinary how the assessment of this social worker at the hospital, who knows him not from Adam, differs from that of OH's brother, A, who has been visiting on a regular basis. A, having for various reasons to some extent been shielded from the awful facts of dementia, is now slowly realising that this is not going to improve and although it would seem he keeps trying to prompt the most recent memories, the fact that Fil has no real idea of who his wife was and is convinced that it was his mother who recently died (despite her having passed on some 40 odd years ago) means that  A is distressed that his Mum is forgotten.  Of course, she is not, as I miss her a lot and I know that OH does to but this interim period is very difficult for both of us as there is nothing that can be done until he is near us.   God willing that will be next Tuesday.

19 August 2008 
It must be something about Tuesday - something always seems to happen on that day!  The social worker from Fil's hospital rang at 8.30 am and I knew there would be trouble. She covered her back in denying all knowledge of Fil as he was being provided for "privately". That is not our choice, as I pointed out to her, we are more than willing to pay for whatever is necessary over and above the provision of the State but in this case the State will not provide anything and so we have to do so. It is not a choice but a necessity.

Anyway, the stark fact is that the hospital want to get rid of Fil now they have cured his MRSA and other infection and the second home which we have chosen will not have a bed for at least a month. What is to happen to him I asked the social worker. I don't know, she replied. Not awfully helpful.  So, I spent today on the phone and in the car looking for another placement and I am almost superstitiously against posting this (doesn't sit well with my Christian convictions but shows what state my mind is in) but . . . I have found somewhere with a 4* accreditation which is the only one for miles around and they have a room!!

Deep joy and some trepidation as I wonder what will go wrong this time - perhaps it will be third time lucky.

14 August 2008
An oasis of calm has been discovered and I am making the most of it.

OH, uncharacteristically, lost his temper with a social worker at the hospital who actually asked him what he thought his father's medical requirements are. Words fail (well nearly!). This was following the revelation that the care home felt that more care was needed than they would be able to provide and the hospital have done nothing about making any assessments as to Fil's needs having adopted the approach that as we are willing to pay for his care then they need do no more.  We are paying because that is how the system works; if you have been prudent in your life and built up a pension and some savings, then you pay for the care needed in the last years of your life and it has nothing to do with elective decisions.

We have another placement for Fil although the room is not yet available, the hospital have not only said they will do the transporting to the care-home but also that they will keep him in a holding ward until such time as he can move up here. Apparently, he is in good spirits and feeling much better and as a consequence of feeling the load lighten, I have been trying to get my life back on track with some success although my asthma has been particularly troublesome today and I wonder if it is something to do with the constant changes of temperature as that is a known trigger for me - or possibly a bit of stress?

12 August 2008
When I visit my GP, the up-dated computer screen can tell both he and me what happened last time I had a consultation, what my medication is currently and generally how hospital visits, reports and appointments are going.  The hospital in which my Fil is now a patient appears to have staff who are incapable of even reading written notes or indeed, in some cases even writing the notes themselves.  I have been asked the most stupid questions from "What psychiatric assessments has Fil had?", "How do you think he is?", "He seems confused, any idea why?" to "You can always pop in and visit him".

Now we are told that the lovely care home in which a place had been reserved will not take him as he is obviously in need of more care than they are able to provide; although there is a more supervised unit within this place at present, there are no beds available.  So, having thought that all was progressing well we are left wondering what on earth to do.  The hospital told Brother-in-law  that he could take in his suitcase in last night as he was being discharged - the care home will obviously, despite what the the NHS thinks, not take a patient with MRSA which could easily be spread around to other vulnerable people - so quite what they are going to do with him is an imponderable.

Dementia, in whatever form, is such a huge and well-hidden problem.  It has become clear to us over the last few weeks that the medical staff in hospitals have absolutely no idea how to handle this and no doubt the pressures on NHS budgets mean that beds must be cleared as quickly as possible so their assessments of patient needs are bound to be on the optimistic side.  The huge gulf between Fil's admission to hospital when we were gaily told that he would just be there a week and then sent home and the poor position he is now in leaves us quite bewildered and the assessment which the care home has done in the last few days is so completely at odds with the paucity of information which we have managed to obtain, with difficulty, from the hospital that bewilderment must follow.  The care home assessment says that he is at risk of falling as he "forgets" his zimmer frame, he is incontinent and has MRSA.

So where does that leave him?

3 August 2008
Well, isn't our NHS wonderful. Fil now has MRSA - are we surprised?

2 August 2008
Yesterday a serious young doctor phoned to say she was just advising someone from the family that Fil was "unwell" and very confused. Well, he does have dementia!  She had put him on i/v antibiotics and wondered what assessments the GPs had done.  I told her that apart from telling us he ought to be in residential care as the carer "experiment"  had failed,  they had done nothing towards a psychiatric assessment at all.  She advised that he was very ill and we should ring the ward "more regularly" to update his condition.  When I pointed out that frequently this was difficult if not impossible to do she just said "oh yes, I know" and that was that.

Following instructions I rang about 5pm and was told that he was sleeping and had received his medication (which was supposedly i/v so I was a bit at sea here) but was then told not to keep ringing as the wards were very busy!  I could, of course, pop in to see him though as that would be perfectly OK. I repeated twice that I lived in Manchester so that was unlikely but this received no response; I am not certain that geography was high on the list of this person's skills.

I fully realise that there are issues with constant phone calls but last night we were really concerned and I had alerted a neighbour to Robinson-sit, watered all the plants, got the washing up to date ready for a dash south, only for OH to be told this morning when he finally got through that he was "comfortable" and that the infection was "settling".  As there is every possibility that next week he will be brought up to the home locally, I can see no point in driving for hours just for a quick visit and then have to return home, particularly as OH's brother can pack a case with all the things he may need on transfer up here.  No wonder my chest is bad!